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Helping Someone You Know     

It's important to remember that victims/survivors are the best guide to their own specific situation and what will make them safer or less safe.  Your own instincts or what you may think is common sense may not be the best help. 

Five Things Never to Do or Say to a Victim

  • Never say, “Just leave!“  This trivializes the victim’s experience and will confirm for him/her that you don’t get it.  Leaving – or even threatening to leave – can frequently cause the batterer to escalate the abuse.  Leaving requires careful safety planning. 
  • Never issue an ultimatum such as, “If you don’t leave, I won’t ….”  Ultimatums only assist the batterer in isolating the victim.
  • Never bad-mouth the batterer.  Victims frequently are defensive and may become protective of their batterer.  After all, this is a person that they chose to be with.  Don’t shame the victim about that choice.
  • Never disbelieve what the victim tells you or demand proof.  The victim’s feelings are what matters. If she/he feels unsafe, you must respect and accept that.  Fear of not being believed is one of the major factors that prevent victims from asking for help.  Even one skeptical reaction can silence her/him. 
  • Never tell the victim what she/he “has to do.”  Remember that domestic violence is about power and control.  If a victim is going to heal, she/he must regain control over options, decisions, choices.  As hard as it is to not do so, don’t give advice, or even say what you would do in the same situation.  Use questions like, “What do you think you’d like to do?”  “What would make you feel safer?”  and support the victim in discovering her/his own path to safety and freedom.

Ten Ways to Help a Victim

  • Open a dialog.  “Are you ever afraid of ________________’s temper?”
  • Show concern.  “I am afraid for your (and your children’s) safety.”
  • Appreciate the danger.  “I am afraid the abuse will only get worse.”
  • Commit to being supportive.  “I will always be here for you.”
  • Listen.  “If you ever need to talk, I promise to just listen and not give advice.”  Then you have to do just that!
  • Validate.  “This is not your fault and you do not deserve to be abused.”
  • Compliment.   Find ways to counter the effects of the verbal abuse on the victim’s self-esteem.  Make them concrete and genuine. 
  • Observe.  Make honest but non-judgmental observations about changes in the victim.  “I’m worried about you.  You don’t seem to laugh as much any more.”
  • Offer to help.   Make your offer specific and only in ways that you are capable and willing to fulfill.  Don’t set yourself up for being resentful in the future.  Set clear and fair boundaries around any offers to help with transportation, finances, baby-sitting, a place to stay, etc.  Don’t offer it if you can’t follow through.  Remember that the person who they thought had their best interests most at heart has betrayed them.  Don’t repeat that.
  • Ask questions.  Focus on the victim’s feelings.  Don’t press for decisions and don’t use sarcasm. Say,  “That sounds scary.  How did that make you feel?”  Not “So what are you going to do about it?”  or “So now are you finally going to do something?”

Thanks to Family Tree for these great tips.